Father's Day and Baseball

As of right now it is 5 minutes into Father's Day. This will be my second Father's Day that will be celebrated for me, but my first without my youngest son, Jeremiah, here.  We had a lot of fun today doing everything I have been looking forward to.  Going to "How to Train Your Dragon 2", grabbing chipotle for dinner, and going to see a minor league baseball game of the San Antonio Missions. It was great, but we know it wasn't what we really wanted. We really wanted our babies there with us.

This weekend has been a weekend full of a game that I grew up playing and a game I learned a lot of life lessons in, baseball. One of my best friends, Scotty Lawson, came down for a tournament with his team and we spent a few days catching up and talking. Crystal and I went to see one of the games he was coaching and had a great time.  Then of course the Missions baseball game where they won in the bottom of the ninth with a walk off squeeze bunt.  All of this wonderful baseball activity had a few things in common, but one of my most prided things was my hat.  You see I got this Ranger's hat last year on Father's Day when Jeremiah treated his mom and I to a Ranger's game.  I haven't been to a game in so long it felt great to be at the field.  

When it comes to baseball there is one thing many people don't understand unless they played ball themselves.  Like the one conversation players have amongst themselves at some point in their career, usually when their older.  The conversation of, "man when I'm coaching my kid I'm going to ______" fill in the blank.  Of course I did this many of times with the different friends I came across my 17 years of playing ball.  I always said I'd teach my son to play hard and know no matter what you left everything on the field.  Of course fundamentals too!  I had a type of conversation like this with Scotty this weekend talking about having a healthy enough arm to throw to our kids when we have them.  All of these dreams and excitement I had about baseball and sharing it with Jeremiah made me so happy just thinking about it.  

So, going to these games and parks now without him makes me thing about what would have been.  How I would be the dad with his son on his shoulders trying to get a foul ball for him.  And the dad  protecting him and his mommy when a foul ball comes flying over us even though I knew it wasn't coming anywhere near us when I saw it off the bat, but of course Crystal would freak out.  And the dad holding the son while a coach hands him a foul ball cause Jeremiah is so cute in his baseball outfit he would of definitely been wearing.

I know I won't be able to do these things with Jeremiah or Elijah now, but when it comes to Father's Day I love the idea of going to a baseball game for it.  Not just because I love the game so much, but because I know if I did have my boys here with me that is exactly where I would want to be with them.

Always loved, never forgotten.

I Dreamed of You

Over the weekend I was staying with my parents in Fort Worth and one of the craziest things I've ever experienced happened.  This dream I had...it was like nothing I've ever had before.  Getting close to christmas and the one year anniversary of Crystal's hospitilization of course we have been thinking about our boys a ton!...what would it be like if they were here?....dang I wish they were here....how would you dress them up? An elf? Santa? Crystal concluded she'd dress them up nice and maybe do a tacky sweater outfit she would make and let me make a beanie for em.  

Back to the dream.  Well, let me start a little bit before the dream.  I was doing some bible study and it was talking about the language of the Holy Spirit, tongues.  I wasn't really raised talking in tongues or really even talked about it.  The older I get and the more I study the more I see the relevance in it.  I've studied where when you are filled with the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues it is like your directly having the Holy Spirit surrounding you.  So, that's what I did before I went to sleep.  I just talked/prayed to God in tongues.  I had no idea what I was saying other than Aba, father, but I felt something come over like a rush of water all over my body.  Then, when I felt ready I fell asleep.  

You see, for me, one thing I keep asking God is, "please just let me get a glimpse of my boys or even just one of them and how they look now."  I would do this on my way to work and random times throughout the day.  I gave that request in my heart this night before I fell asleep.  

So, in my dream I felt like I was just getting done with a 5K race of some sort (I'm training for a 5K now).  So I didn't think anything of it having a dream of running a 5K.  The weird thing though was when I got into my car I was in the middle seat with someone else driving and I just had the feeling Crystal was behind me in the backseat.  Out of no where a stranger got into the vehicle and sat next to me.  I felt tired, so I didn't really think anything of it  I just thought the kid, about older elementary to middle school age, needed some rest himself.  The next thing was really weird.  The boy put his head on my shoulder.  I was in shock for a bit, but again thought it was because the kid was just tired and needed some rest, so I let him be.  The next thing I remember is having a similar feeling on my arm...tears.  You see when my wife and I are together and crying many times she will lay her head on my shoulder and I can just feel the tears fall on my arm.  That was the exact feeling I felt with this boy in my dream.  I remember thinking in my head, "poor kid...I understand."  The dream went on for a while of the tears falling with him on my shoulder the next part is when it gets crazy.

All of a suddon the boy stops crying and gets out of the vehicle.  He walks over to a group of people gets something and walks back to me.  He stands right infront of me and hands me this small crocheted yellow design with a blue outlining.  What was weird was that the color yellow looked so familiar.  You see, I have been crocheting a granny blanket for Crystal which had a yellow middle design with a blue outlining, so I thought it was weird how he would hand me something like this.  But...I took a closer look at it and see a small sowed on tag that I think in my dream state took it as saying, "threads of love" and then it hit me.  The yellow was from the bonnet that the nurses in Abilene put on Elijah's head when they took photos of him for us. I still remember that nurses name, Luelan Lawler, I hope I spelled it right.  So, all of a sudden I realize what he handed me or what it resembled and all of these thoughts started flying through my head, "was this race for Jeremiah? How did this kid get this? Why does he have this?"  Then I looked at the boy and for some reason he looked familiar with his darkish hair and a faint tan skin tone.  I've never seen him before I think, but for some reason I felt drawn to him!  The next thing I know a flash comes over me and I just grab the boy and pull him into me as hard as I could and I start crying harder than I have since we lost Jeremiah.  I am just sobbing in my dream and holding onto this boy like I never want to let him go.  Then, I turn around to get crystal's attention and I hear her voice waking me up.

Crystal - "Paul, Paul are you ok?" 

Me - "Yeah, I'm fine what's wrong baby"

C - Cause your chest and your breathing was all over the place like when you cry really hard.

You see when I cry, like when we lost our boys, my breathing is very hard, so I have to take quick big breathes while crying.  This makes my chest move up and down quickly as I try to breath....just like in my dream.  Now, I've had dreams about my boys many of times as infants never as older kids.  With all of those dreams I've never cried so hard my body was actually crying outside of my dream.  But, that's what was happening.  Crystal told me I was not having tears falling out, but the rest of my body was acting like I was sobbing.  Sobbing....like when I was clutching that boy in my dream.

Another miraculous thing to us happened later that day.  We were driving back to my parents and I just randomly brought up the dream to Crystal saying how crazy it was for me to react that way.  As soon as I turned the corner I looked on the road and saw a frog.  To many people that may not mean anything, but to us that was a sign of Jeremiah.  For those that don't know the nurses and us would always sing, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" to him while he was in the NICU.  So, again a confirmation from God about my boys.

I can't say that the boy in my dream was Elijah or Jeremiah, but I can say that I've never felt that way about someone in a dream.  So...you know what?  Yes, that was one of my boys and they were beautiful!  I honestly feel God blessed me with that dream to tell me my boys are with him in Heaven and they're here with me and thinking of me and waiting for the day I come to them.  

We may not understand Gods plans, shoot we may not understand what we're saying to God when we're praying to him.  One thing is true though.  He is here for us even when we turn our backs to him for not recieving what we were praying for. These are not easy words for those that have lost someone during this Christmas time to accept, but God does love us and the one thing we can pray for as believers is to one day walk into those pearly gates and see our loved ones, my babies, waiting for me with Jesus on the other side.

God Bless everyone and Merry Christmas.

Always Loved, Never Forgotten

Won't You Never Grow Up

So, I found this song by Taylor Swift called, "Never Grow Up".  It's just one of those songs that hits parents that lost a baby/child hard.  Especially for Crystal and myself.  Today is the first time I've listened to the song in the entirety and I don't even know if Crystal has been able to listen to it completely.  At first we would have to change the channel as soon as it came on the TV or the radio.  Just those words of "never grow up" are those words we didn't say very much while going through these years (2012-2013).  The reason is because we knew our boys had a chance of coming early, so the words we said all the time were, "PLEASE grow up, PLEASE get bigger."  As most parents know when it comes to their baby we want them to get big and healthy, but of course when they're small they are adorable like our babies were.  Even at 18 weeks gestational my Elijah was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen when I looked and held his tiny body, which was the size of my hand.

Then there came my Jeremiah who we had the blessed time to be able to hold him and love him on this earth for those 5 months.  When you're in the NICU the main goal is for your baby to get big, so we can go home.  During those days we definitely said, "PLEASE grow up, PLEASE get bigger."  I remember almost every moment I stood next to his bed and looked at his tiny body.  He looked smaller than most dolls and it was just crazy to see him grow.  From where I could slide my wedding ring up his hand, and all the way to where I HAD to hold that chunk with two hands.  By his last few weeks we gave him the nickname, "roly-poly" because his arms looked like a roly-poly.  Talk about, "PLEASE grow up, PLEASE get bigger" he definitely did.  Which, for most NICU parents that's a green light that we're going home. 

After listening to this Swift song there's something I realized.  When it comes to our boys, Elijah and Jeremiah, they will always, "stay this little", in our memories.  Which I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that.  Most parents dream about growing old and watching their kids grow up with them and become parents of their own, but not if you've lost a child of your own.  For us we will grow old with the memories of our babies being tiny.  Being the size of our hand, growing into the size of a doll, then a "regular baby" or as we called "the big kids". 

Crystal and I have conversations about what we think our boys will look like when we get to Heaven.  For me, I think they'll be toddlers or like elementary aged kids.  The age where you can see Crystal's introvert and my extrovert personalities.  Maybe that's why God decided to take them home early, because he knows this earth would not be ready for that kind of awesomeness. haha.....my boys are awesome.  They may never grow up with us, but....those memories will grow with us and even on mine and Crystal's deathbeds I know we will say to each other, "at least I'm going to see our babies.".....For us, death will be a time of sorry for saying goodbye to everyone here, but my God will we be celebrating to see our handsome boys in Heaven!

During this Christmas season please remember not everyone gets to see their children grow a year older from their last Christmas.  Say an extra-strong prayer for those families that can't ask their children to, "Never Grow Up" anymore.

Always Loved, Never Forgotten

Going Back...

October is a month used to bring attention to a variety of things Drug (Red Ribbon Week) and Cancer being two of the most common ones.  For us, October has a completely different meaning, Infant Lost Awareness, which is on October 15th specifically.  This day the tradition is to light a candle from 7pm - 8pm in all different time zones to show respect for the lost infants and their families.  If this was accomplished that means for an entire 24 hours all over the world a candle will be lit for these children.  How beautiful is that?  For this household we will most definitely have our light lit for our babies and all the others they are with now.  You see, when you lose a child let it be from miscarriage, still birth, infant passing, or anything else you join a club of families.  Just like when we joined our club of NICU families.  It's a select group that you wish you knew of earlier to show support, but never wanted to join yourself.  Yet here we are.  Alumni of a NICU and active members of the Lost Infant family.

 

One thing that is the hardest after losing your child is going back to the place where you lost him or her.  For us, it is Fort Worth, Texas.  A city that I lived most of my life only 20 minutes away where I went for concerts or just felt like dancing at Billy Bobs, but now that city has a completely different meaning for me and my family.  It is a city that saved our most beautiful miracle we've ever seen and that made us feel more complete than any individual could have. Also, the same city where we lost that same miracle as we watched him disappear from us. Where we took turns holding him on a pillow for the last time. Where my family cried with people we just met 7 months or less before that time.  Even with all that pain we will return to that city this weekend.

 

You see, this weekend is holding a memorial for all Infants that have passed at the same Hospital we were suppose to leave with our infant, Jeremiah.  This has been the hardest thing for my wife and I to discuss...going back.  Going back to that town and only remembering the places we went while our boy was there.  The places we went to buy things for him.  The places...we wanted to take him to.  This is the curse of memories.  We remember certain things in such great detail that it brings us back like we were just there.  I know that is what is going to happen as soon as I take steps into that hospital.  Honestly,  that's what's going to happen when I get onto I-35. Memories flooding back good and bad.  I much rather wish we are going back to the NICU reunion rather than this, but here we are.  

Honestly, I'm glad there is a rememberence day.  I like talking about my boys.  Even though it's hard to hear others talking about their kids I like being able to talk about mine.  Sure, most parents have to wake up every couple hours to care for their kid, if their lucky every two hours, but they didn't have to care for their baby connected to tubes and not able to move more than a couple feet from their crib.  We all have our war stories.

The best battle we face now...going back.  It won't be easy for any of us, but we will do it.  You know why?  Cause our kids would want us to keep going.  They won't see their parents and other family members giving up.  They might see us cry and break down, but we will not give up.  

So, this weekend we take a step forward by going back.  I ask you pray for us as we go through this, but more importantly pray for all of the families that have to go through everyday without that beautiful infant.

My Rainbow. My Elijah. My Jeremiah. 

Always loved. Never forgotten.

Y'all's Cousin is Born

Hey kiddos,

I know you know this already, but I just wanted to type this for me to remember.  Your cousin Owen was born today at 11:21 am at 6 lb 6 oz.  That sounds so familiar....too familiar.  Your uncle Ryan says it's the, "coolest thing ever". It was the coolest thing ever.  I can remember both of your births Elijah and Jeremiah.

Elijah, I was sitting to the left of your mom the entire time.  I had to sit in a chair because the night before when your water broke I got so scared I passed out..I was sleeping and your mommy kept saying something didn't feel right.  She called the nurse and that was when we found out your water most likely broke.  With such a shock my head went spinning and I went falling to the ground.  I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay with y'all the entire time.  I was crying so much, like I am right now, because I was so mad at myself for not being able to stay with y'all.  They had to take me out of the room and I couldn't physically go back in there.  The morning after I passed out they had to take you out because you weren't in a safe or comfortable spot for you or your mommy.  After you were out of your mommy they told us you lived for 9 minutes.  I still remember when the nurse went over to your bed and turned your light off...off. I miss you son.

Jeremiah, I was with your mom too during your birth.  Your grandma actually called me at around 10:00 pm and told me your mommy thinks I should head to Fort Worth.  Luckily your grandma and mamaw was with your mommy, so your mommy had some help.  Once I got there around 1:00 am with your Uncle Lozo I told the rest of the family they could go because I could stay with mommy.  It wasn't very long once they left that your mommy's water broke and we had to take you out.  It was really happening Jeremiah we were going to see you! I wasn't able to go back with your mommy, but they put me outside a door where they would wheel you by.  I was so excited!!! And nervous! Everytime someone walked by me I thought they were going to get you to bring you out.  Sooooo many people I thought were the ones, but nope.  Then...it happened :) you were being wheeled out. I'm sorry son just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  They stopped right in front of me and there you were...my son.  You had a full head of hair and such a tiny body.  The doctors told us your skin wont be adjusted, so be aware.  Let me tell you though son...you were perfect! Time just froze as I looked at you.  I can still see it perfectly in my head.  Then, one of the best memories I will always have is when your mom was brought back to the room and she was still under anesthesia.  She was coming out of it a little and asked, "how's my baby?" the nurse didn't hear her and didn't answer.  She asked asked again, "my baby, how's my baby?" so I walked over to her, put my hand on hers and whispered, "he's perfect baby.  I saw him and he looks perfect!", "Good" your mommy replies and falls back to sleep.

I know this day I should be celebrating with my brother, sister-in-law, and new nephew, but all I can do is think of y'all.  Thinking of y'all's births brings back so many emotions.  Heartbreak, joy, fear, anxiety, everything! I love y'all so much and will never forget the time we had with each other...

I will love y'all always and forever!

Love,

Daddy

Moving Foward

When trying to move forward after the loss of a child your thoughts of future change. Sometimes moving forward doesn't mean bettering your future life, but trying to get it back to as perfect as it use to be. It's like living a life where you literally could not picture it being any better, then having it taken away. If 10 is living the most perfectly happy earthly life then we were at an 11. Sure we were stuck in a hospital and could only move our boy no more than a few feet from his crib, but we were so happy! But than after losing him it's like going down to a 1. It could of been a 0 if it wasn't for my family, friends, and of course my wife.  How do you start to move forward after having a perfect life? Try for another baby? Adopt? But the same questions and thoughts always come back.  

Can we love them as much as we loved Jeremiah? 

What if we have another miscarriage? 

Will Jeremiah feel like we've finished mourning for him and Elijah? 

All we want is Jeremiah...we're fine not having any other babies as long as we have Jeremiah....our Jeremiah...

Crystal told me about this pamphlet she found where other parents commented on similar questions after losing a child. One I liked talked about how our next baby would be their sibling. A little brother or sister would be amazing. I think that's what hurts a lot too is that Crystal and I feel like we're basically back to, "new young married couple" stage with no kids.  We use to be parents to an earth baby, but not anymore. We're back to the dynamic duo of Paul and Crystal.  Even though we wish we could add so many more to our team...Alexis, Rainbow, Isabella, Jacob, Elijah, and Jeremiah.

I may not have permanent earthly babies, but I was a daddy at least for a bit to six babies.  But so badly I want my Jeremiah or any of the others cuddled up with me and Crystal...

I just pray we can love again...and not have it feel like our hearts are being tore out everytime we hear a baby cry...

But we keep moving forward. Tears falling throughout the day. Some a little...some a lot...but we keep moving forward. I will make y'all proud my angel babies. 

God...don't let us forget them, hold them tight, and be with their future sibling as you prepare her/him for us.  I still don't understand why this happened, but I know you could have healed him. You tell us to be honest with you because you are our father, so honestly I am pissed. I just want my boy. If you have anything to say to me than say it...Abba...

My Walk with Christ and my Boys

Having a child turns your world upside down.  Your priorities change and what you use to view to be important can be overshadowed by a tiny baby shadow. 

Recently, I have been struggling to soften my heart to the world and God.  When going around the last few days I have had a shadow of darkness laying over me it feels.  It wasn't something God was putting onto me it was something I was putting onto myself.  You see, after you lose a child, especially how we did, it is very difficult to trust God again.  We were given soooo many signs that Jeremiah was our gift from God, that our prayers have been answered, and that this boy will be a baby that will not be taken from us. 

Through all of the journey with my boys my priorities and faith have been challenged more than any time in  my life.  I have always been able to see the good in things and trust that God will take care of us.  Even after losing our first baby Rainbow I felt that God will bless us in the future.  Then after losing Elijah, and Jeremiah survived, I felt, "ok, finally this is our boy."  We hoped that this baby boy was going to be our answer and he was going to complete our earthly family.  This morning I watched a small bit from a Joseph Prince sermon talking about Luke 24, when Jesus rose.  It talks about how they, "hoped that it was He was going to redeem Israel."  What Pastor Prince goes onto say is that we feel this earthly pain due to our unfulfilled expectations.  For me, this helps me understand why I have been feeling so...empty I guess is a good word for it.  Due to the loss of my sons I have not taken up my responsibility to stay close to God and talk to him.  I have been doing a lot of talking at him with confusion and heart ache of course, but not talking with him. 

The last few days have forced me to take action because I have not felt like myself for a long time.  I have been depressed looking, I have been very angry on the inside (like I've been wanting to hit, yell and scream at a number of things), and I just try to keep busy ignoring the root of this.  The root being I have lost trust in God.  The thing is, what this sermon reminded me was that the only reason my trust was lost was because of my unfulfilled expectations. 

One thing that Crystal and I talk about is why did God have to take Jeremiah this way?  It was not a "beautiful" death for our poor boy.  We let the doctors do whatever they could to try to save him where we knew God could simply heal our boy.  The thing is, I know my son is in Heaven and is with Jesus and the rest of his family up there, and he is perfect in no more pain.  The question is what still hurts me now and kills me now...my unfulfilled expectations. 

Personally, I lost my close relationship with God through this journey. A few times I would have conversations with him, but most of the time it was just telling him what I wanted or giving thanks for what we have.  The reason why I was so quick was because my main priority was Jeremiah and caring for him.  I think when I made that observation, God put something on my heart.  God put it on my heart that THAT was my problem.  So many times parents put their family or especially their children before everything.  The thing is that I've learned is that as a parent the most important thing is to keep your relationship with God close more than anything.  Do I think God took my son away because I grew further from him? No. 

I think God had a plan for Jeremiah.  One thing I feel God is putting on my heart is to tell me that Jeremiah was and is going to be used for a reason larger than I can imagen.  Jeremiah is a reminder for myself and everyone that knew him that family, especially children, is a gift from God, but the gift should never overshadow the giver. 

Do I wish that Jeremiah and Elijah were still here? EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!!!  But, what makes me proud is how God used my sons in a way that I know will change lives.  God is the reason I can love and will be the reason for my family to grow.  I will never forget the lesson my boys taught me.

Y'all are always loved, never forgotten.