When I try to think about it the only thing that comes to mind are not very nice words. So, instead of trying to think through this and find reasoning for their passings I turn to God. God who has been with me through all of my life and been with my wife and myself through thick and thin, heart warming and heart breaking. By doing this I have been able to come to peace with it. With this peace I wonder where in the world it came from because I am only a week away from my sons passing and have been through sooooo much heart break (3 of our foster kids being returned who we prayed to adopt, one miscarriage, and my twins passing 6 months apart). A quote I found on twitter helps calm and explain my peacefulness...
With these upcoming years I will never forget my children...my angel babies. Everywhere I go I will be reminded of them and the feelings will come back up. Like when we went to Fredericksburg, TX and it killed me the entire time because I knew this is where we wanted to bring Jeremiah when we left the hospital.
Now, with this peace God is starting to give me he is also guiding my thoughts. I am starting think of his passing of more reminiscing rather than grieving because trust me we have been grieving. So, what my wife and I try to do when we are feeling really low is to talk about all of the cute things he did. One thing my wife loves is his "pathetic" cry. He also would have "sneezing attacks" where he would sneeze three times, but if he couldn't get a sneeze out due to his breathing cannula he would do his adorable "pathetic" cry. By doing this it allowed us to smile while thinking of him rather than crying while thinking about him (which we've been doing A LOT).
One week may not seem like a lot of time in a calendar, but when you've lost a child, no matter how young, a week may seem like a blur. All I pray is that this next blur will continue to give us peace and more understanding of our angel babies.
“Some people believe in angels. I held one in my arms.”
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