I don't think the reality of the service really hit Crystal and myself until the night before. You see usually Crystal and I can distract ourselves pretty well throughout the day because if we didn't we would just be crying all day. It's just when night time falls and we are getting ready for bed and we are lying in the silence....All we can think about is what we've lost. How our lives should be nothing like what they are now how we should be begging for sleep and doing whatever we can to get Jeremiah to sleep. But no, we have gone back to a routine of staying up late watching TV and sleeping in. It wasn't suppose to be like this.
The morning of the service we didn't want to get up, but we knew we had too. We pulled into the cemetery around 10:45 am, but had to take a potty break. From the front office we could see a tent and chairs set up with no guests around it. I thought, "well I guess people will be showing up late or we'll have nobody." Which would have been weird since I just saw all of my family the day before from Fort Worth and New Orleans, LA. Once we got back into the car and started heading over to the tent we realized that the first tent we saw wasn't for us. Around the corner we saw a large group of people standing around another tent and cars lining the back of the cemetery. It was then we realized it was for our boys. We could see the tiny urn Crystal ordered for them and guests holding flowers, most of my family was holding sunflowers because I asked them to. You see I promised Crystal some sunflowers when Jeremiah was first born, but needless to say we were a little busy when that happened. What I decided was well I'll get her the flowers when Jeremiah is released and we'll get her a wheelchair to carry Jeremiah out like moms that didn't have to spend time in the NICU. I wish I got her the dang flowers when he was first born now. I didn't want her to see the flowers like this the first time.
The reason behind the sunflowers was because we always called Jeremiah our little sunshine. So, the morning of the service before we left for the cemetery I went and bought a bouquet of sunflowers. As my father in-law put the truck in park Crystal tells me, "I am not ready for this" as was I. But I took her hand and looked at her right in the eyes and said, "we can do this.", and I never let go of her hand until we got to the urn. The only reason I let go of her hand was because I wanted to lay two of the sunflowers down for the boys. The arrangement was beautiful as you can see below. We had beautiful flowers from my mom's work and some flowers from a Respiratory Therapist of Jeremiah. She, Leanna, was actually able to take a picture with Jeremiah the day before he got his wings. Once we got to the arrangement Crystal laid a stuffed baby blue Giraffe which was going to be Jeremiah's NICU graduation gift, but instead we asked it be buried with him. We sat down and the pastor, Chad Hayes, gave a wonderful sermon. Something that was prearranged before the service was that I told him, "the one thing I request to happen is that I want to speak", so after he was done it was my turn.
I stood in front of the crowed of family and friends with one of Jeremiah's toys in my hands. It's called a Wubba Nub I think. It is a giraffe connected to a pacifier. Jeremiah loved that thing cause he would suck on the pacifier and hold tight to the giraffe. For days I was trying to figure out what exactly I was going to say, but never completely decided on something. As I stood there tears started falling out as I looked down on the urn holding the remains of my two boys and the enlarged picture of Jeremiah from his baseball fathers day photo shoot his mom and nurses did for me. I couldn't say very much at the beginning, but my dad came up and put his arm around me which helped calm me down. I spoke of how appreciative I was for seeing everyone and it was a blessing to see all the people my sons have touched. One thing that I did plan to say was, "something I learned through this was that there are people that come into your lives to strengthen you, those that change you, and those that change everything about you those that change your spirit. For me it was these two boys who made me better, who made me stronger." I told some stories of both boys and my God it was like those memories happened yesterday, but also in a different life time. I spoke directly to my wife and saying how such a wonderful mother she was to these boys and it is an honor to be her husband. We've gone through so much together, but I know she's the only one that can hold me up when I need it. Then, one of the last things I said was some of the last things we said to Jeremiah. As Jeremiah laid there one of the first things that came out of our mouths are, "I'm so sorry!", I can still hear those screams in my head...After that I told him, "thank you...thank you for letting me be your father. It was an honor!" I have never been more sincere by any statement than when I gave my vows to Crystal.
I will never be able to hold my angels in my earthly arms again, but I know when I get to heaven Jesus will have to pry my hands off from around my children. God is the top priority in my life and that's how I've always tried to live my life, but I think he'll understand.
I will always love you my boys and will never forget you!
Once the ceremony was over I still had two sunflowers left and Crystal turns to me and says give me one I haven't given the boys a flower. She is the most amazing woman I've ever met...One thing I did not mention was that this cemetery in San Antonio is the same one where Crystal's grandpa is buried in. We visited his site the last time we came to pick out plots. There were flowers in his vase that have burnt from the sun and were pretty old I was told. So, what I wanted to do was after the ceremony I wanted to take at least one sunflower to my grandpa in-laws plot. All of my in-laws and I drove over there and gathered around his plot as we put the flowers and his vase and my grandma in-law adjusted them to her liking. It was beautiful.
Now, when we go see and love on our boys we can see Crystal's grandpa. Just like in heaven my boys are with their great grandpa.
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