October is a month used to bring attention to a variety of things Drug (Red Ribbon Week) and Cancer being two of the most common ones. For us, October has a completely different meaning, Infant Lost Awareness, which is on October 15th specifically. This day the tradition is to light a candle from 7pm - 8pm in all different time zones to show respect for the lost infants and their families. If this was accomplished that means for an entire 24 hours all over the world a candle will be lit for these children. How beautiful is that? For this household we will most definitely have our light lit for our babies and all the others they are with now. You see, when you lose a child let it be from miscarriage, still birth, infant passing, or anything else you join a club of families. Just like when we joined our club of NICU families. It's a select group that you wish you knew of earlier to show support, but never wanted to join yourself. Yet here we are. Alumni of a NICU and active members of the Lost Infant family.
One thing that is the hardest after losing your child is going back to the place where you lost him or her. For us, it is Fort Worth, Texas. A city that I lived most of my life only 20 minutes away where I went for concerts or just felt like dancing at Billy Bobs, but now that city has a completely different meaning for me and my family. It is a city that saved our most beautiful miracle we've ever seen and that made us feel more complete than any individual could have. Also, the same city where we lost that same miracle as we watched him disappear from us. Where we took turns holding him on a pillow for the last time. Where my family cried with people we just met 7 months or less before that time. Even with all that pain we will return to that city this weekend.
You see, this weekend is holding a memorial for all Infants that have passed at the same Hospital we were suppose to leave with our infant, Jeremiah. This has been the hardest thing for my wife and I to discuss...going back. Going back to that town and only remembering the places we went while our boy was there. The places we went to buy things for him. The places...we wanted to take him to. This is the curse of memories. We remember certain things in such great detail that it brings us back like we were just there. I know that is what is going to happen as soon as I take steps into that hospital. Honestly, that's what's going to happen when I get onto I-35. Memories flooding back good and bad. I much rather wish we are going back to the NICU reunion rather than this, but here we are.
Honestly, I'm glad there is a rememberence day. I like talking about my boys. Even though it's hard to hear others talking about their kids I like being able to talk about mine. Sure, most parents have to wake up every couple hours to care for their kid, if their lucky every two hours, but they didn't have to care for their baby connected to tubes and not able to move more than a couple feet from their crib. We all have our war stories.
The best battle we face now...going back. It won't be easy for any of us, but we will do it. You know why? Cause our kids would want us to keep going. They won't see their parents and other family members giving up. They might see us cry and break down, but we will not give up.
So, this weekend we take a step forward by going back. I ask you pray for us as we go through this, but more importantly pray for all of the families that have to go through everyday without that beautiful infant.
My Rainbow. My Elijah. My Jeremiah.
Always loved. Never forgotten.
