Y'all's Cousin is Born

Hey kiddos,

I know you know this already, but I just wanted to type this for me to remember.  Your cousin Owen was born today at 11:21 am at 6 lb 6 oz.  That sounds so familiar....too familiar.  Your uncle Ryan says it's the, "coolest thing ever". It was the coolest thing ever.  I can remember both of your births Elijah and Jeremiah.

Elijah, I was sitting to the left of your mom the entire time.  I had to sit in a chair because the night before when your water broke I got so scared I passed out..I was sleeping and your mommy kept saying something didn't feel right.  She called the nurse and that was when we found out your water most likely broke.  With such a shock my head went spinning and I went falling to the ground.  I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay with y'all the entire time.  I was crying so much, like I am right now, because I was so mad at myself for not being able to stay with y'all.  They had to take me out of the room and I couldn't physically go back in there.  The morning after I passed out they had to take you out because you weren't in a safe or comfortable spot for you or your mommy.  After you were out of your mommy they told us you lived for 9 minutes.  I still remember when the nurse went over to your bed and turned your light off...off. I miss you son.

Jeremiah, I was with your mom too during your birth.  Your grandma actually called me at around 10:00 pm and told me your mommy thinks I should head to Fort Worth.  Luckily your grandma and mamaw was with your mommy, so your mommy had some help.  Once I got there around 1:00 am with your Uncle Lozo I told the rest of the family they could go because I could stay with mommy.  It wasn't very long once they left that your mommy's water broke and we had to take you out.  It was really happening Jeremiah we were going to see you! I wasn't able to go back with your mommy, but they put me outside a door where they would wheel you by.  I was so excited!!! And nervous! Everytime someone walked by me I thought they were going to get you to bring you out.  Sooooo many people I thought were the ones, but nope.  Then...it happened :) you were being wheeled out. I'm sorry son just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  They stopped right in front of me and there you were...my son.  You had a full head of hair and such a tiny body.  The doctors told us your skin wont be adjusted, so be aware.  Let me tell you though son...you were perfect! Time just froze as I looked at you.  I can still see it perfectly in my head.  Then, one of the best memories I will always have is when your mom was brought back to the room and she was still under anesthesia.  She was coming out of it a little and asked, "how's my baby?" the nurse didn't hear her and didn't answer.  She asked asked again, "my baby, how's my baby?" so I walked over to her, put my hand on hers and whispered, "he's perfect baby.  I saw him and he looks perfect!", "Good" your mommy replies and falls back to sleep.

I know this day I should be celebrating with my brother, sister-in-law, and new nephew, but all I can do is think of y'all.  Thinking of y'all's births brings back so many emotions.  Heartbreak, joy, fear, anxiety, everything! I love y'all so much and will never forget the time we had with each other...

I will love y'all always and forever!

Love,

Daddy

Moving Foward

When trying to move forward after the loss of a child your thoughts of future change. Sometimes moving forward doesn't mean bettering your future life, but trying to get it back to as perfect as it use to be. It's like living a life where you literally could not picture it being any better, then having it taken away. If 10 is living the most perfectly happy earthly life then we were at an 11. Sure we were stuck in a hospital and could only move our boy no more than a few feet from his crib, but we were so happy! But than after losing him it's like going down to a 1. It could of been a 0 if it wasn't for my family, friends, and of course my wife.  How do you start to move forward after having a perfect life? Try for another baby? Adopt? But the same questions and thoughts always come back.  

Can we love them as much as we loved Jeremiah? 

What if we have another miscarriage? 

Will Jeremiah feel like we've finished mourning for him and Elijah? 

All we want is Jeremiah...we're fine not having any other babies as long as we have Jeremiah....our Jeremiah...

Crystal told me about this pamphlet she found where other parents commented on similar questions after losing a child. One I liked talked about how our next baby would be their sibling. A little brother or sister would be amazing. I think that's what hurts a lot too is that Crystal and I feel like we're basically back to, "new young married couple" stage with no kids.  We use to be parents to an earth baby, but not anymore. We're back to the dynamic duo of Paul and Crystal.  Even though we wish we could add so many more to our team...Alexis, Rainbow, Isabella, Jacob, Elijah, and Jeremiah.

I may not have permanent earthly babies, but I was a daddy at least for a bit to six babies.  But so badly I want my Jeremiah or any of the others cuddled up with me and Crystal...

I just pray we can love again...and not have it feel like our hearts are being tore out everytime we hear a baby cry...

But we keep moving forward. Tears falling throughout the day. Some a little...some a lot...but we keep moving forward. I will make y'all proud my angel babies. 

God...don't let us forget them, hold them tight, and be with their future sibling as you prepare her/him for us.  I still don't understand why this happened, but I know you could have healed him. You tell us to be honest with you because you are our father, so honestly I am pissed. I just want my boy. If you have anything to say to me than say it...Abba...