Having a child turns your world upside down. Your priorities change and what you use to view to be important can be overshadowed by a tiny baby shadow.
Recently, I have been struggling to soften my heart to the world and God. When going around the last few days I have had a shadow of darkness laying over me it feels. It wasn't something God was putting onto me it was something I was putting onto myself. You see, after you lose a child, especially how we did, it is very difficult to trust God again. We were given soooo many signs that Jeremiah was our gift from God, that our prayers have been answered, and that this boy will be a baby that will not be taken from us.
Through all of the journey with my boys my priorities and faith have been challenged more than any time in my life. I have always been able to see the good in things and trust that God will take care of us. Even after losing our first baby Rainbow I felt that God will bless us in the future. Then after losing Elijah, and Jeremiah survived, I felt, "ok, finally this is our boy." We hoped that this baby boy was going to be our answer and he was going to complete our earthly family. This morning I watched a small bit from a Joseph Prince sermon talking about Luke 24, when Jesus rose. It talks about how they, "hoped that it was He was going to redeem Israel." What Pastor Prince goes onto say is that we feel this earthly pain due to our unfulfilled expectations. For me, this helps me understand why I have been feeling so...empty I guess is a good word for it. Due to the loss of my sons I have not taken up my responsibility to stay close to God and talk to him. I have been doing a lot of talking at him with confusion and heart ache of course, but not talking with him.
The last few days have forced me to take action because I have not felt like myself for a long time. I have been depressed looking, I have been very angry on the inside (like I've been wanting to hit, yell and scream at a number of things), and I just try to keep busy ignoring the root of this. The root being I have lost trust in God. The thing is, what this sermon reminded me was that the only reason my trust was lost was because of my unfulfilled expectations.
One thing that Crystal and I talk about is why did God have to take Jeremiah this way? It was not a "beautiful" death for our poor boy. We let the doctors do whatever they could to try to save him where we knew God could simply heal our boy. The thing is, I know my son is in Heaven and is with Jesus and the rest of his family up there, and he is perfect in no more pain. The question is what still hurts me now and kills me now...my unfulfilled expectations.
Personally, I lost my close relationship with God through this journey. A few times I would have conversations with him, but most of the time it was just telling him what I wanted or giving thanks for what we have. The reason why I was so quick was because my main priority was Jeremiah and caring for him. I think when I made that observation, God put something on my heart. God put it on my heart that THAT was my problem. So many times parents put their family or especially their children before everything. The thing is that I've learned is that as a parent the most important thing is to keep your relationship with God close more than anything. Do I think God took my son away because I grew further from him? No.
I think God had a plan for Jeremiah. One thing I feel God is putting on my heart is to tell me that Jeremiah was and is going to be used for a reason larger than I can imagen. Jeremiah is a reminder for myself and everyone that knew him that family, especially children, is a gift from God, but the gift should never overshadow the giver.
Do I wish that Jeremiah and Elijah were still here? EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!!! But, what makes me proud is how God used my sons in a way that I know will change lives. God is the reason I can love and will be the reason for my family to grow. I will never forget the lesson my boys taught me.
Y'all are always loved, never forgotten.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Now I Lay Y'all Down to Sleep
July 20th 2013 will be a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. For on this day I laid my two beautiful sons to rest. Elijah received his wings almost 8 months ago, but Jeremiah only received his wings a couple of weeks ago. The service was beautiful. It was a grave side ceremony with people from family to friends to people that only knew my boys through Facebook or my in-laws. We held it at 11:00 am on a Saturday. We were worried that it was going to be too hot, but it was a beautiful lightly cloudy day with a nice breeze flowing through. It was like I could just feel my children saying, "God, my family doesn't like it when it's too hot, so can you make it at least a little cooler for them?".
I don't think the reality of the service really hit Crystal and myself until the night before. You see usually Crystal and I can distract ourselves pretty well throughout the day because if we didn't we would just be crying all day. It's just when night time falls and we are getting ready for bed and we are lying in the silence....All we can think about is what we've lost. How our lives should be nothing like what they are now how we should be begging for sleep and doing whatever we can to get Jeremiah to sleep. But no, we have gone back to a routine of staying up late watching TV and sleeping in. It wasn't suppose to be like this.
The morning of the service we didn't want to get up, but we knew we had too. We pulled into the cemetery around 10:45 am, but had to take a potty break. From the front office we could see a tent and chairs set up with no guests around it. I thought, "well I guess people will be showing up late or we'll have nobody." Which would have been weird since I just saw all of my family the day before from Fort Worth and New Orleans, LA. Once we got back into the car and started heading over to the tent we realized that the first tent we saw wasn't for us. Around the corner we saw a large group of people standing around another tent and cars lining the back of the cemetery. It was then we realized it was for our boys. We could see the tiny urn Crystal ordered for them and guests holding flowers, most of my family was holding sunflowers because I asked them to. You see I promised Crystal some sunflowers when Jeremiah was first born, but needless to say we were a little busy when that happened. What I decided was well I'll get her the flowers when Jeremiah is released and we'll get her a wheelchair to carry Jeremiah out like moms that didn't have to spend time in the NICU. I wish I got her the dang flowers when he was first born now. I didn't want her to see the flowers like this the first time.
The reason behind the sunflowers was because we always called Jeremiah our little sunshine. So, the morning of the service before we left for the cemetery I went and bought a bouquet of sunflowers. As my father in-law put the truck in park Crystal tells me, "I am not ready for this" as was I. But I took her hand and looked at her right in the eyes and said, "we can do this.", and I never let go of her hand until we got to the urn. The only reason I let go of her hand was because I wanted to lay two of the sunflowers down for the boys. The arrangement was beautiful as you can see below. We had beautiful flowers from my mom's work and some flowers from a Respiratory Therapist of Jeremiah. She, Leanna, was actually able to take a picture with Jeremiah the day before he got his wings. Once we got to the arrangement Crystal laid a stuffed baby blue Giraffe which was going to be Jeremiah's NICU graduation gift, but instead we asked it be buried with him. We sat down and the pastor, Chad Hayes, gave a wonderful sermon. Something that was prearranged before the service was that I told him, "the one thing I request to happen is that I want to speak", so after he was done it was my turn.
I stood in front of the crowed of family and friends with one of Jeremiah's toys in my hands. It's called a Wubba Nub I think. It is a giraffe connected to a pacifier. Jeremiah loved that thing cause he would suck on the pacifier and hold tight to the giraffe. For days I was trying to figure out what exactly I was going to say, but never completely decided on something. As I stood there tears started falling out as I looked down on the urn holding the remains of my two boys and the enlarged picture of Jeremiah from his baseball fathers day photo shoot his mom and nurses did for me. I couldn't say very much at the beginning, but my dad came up and put his arm around me which helped calm me down. I spoke of how appreciative I was for seeing everyone and it was a blessing to see all the people my sons have touched. One thing that I did plan to say was, "something I learned through this was that there are people that come into your lives to strengthen you, those that change you, and those that change everything about you those that change your spirit. For me it was these two boys who made me better, who made me stronger." I told some stories of both boys and my God it was like those memories happened yesterday, but also in a different life time. I spoke directly to my wife and saying how such a wonderful mother she was to these boys and it is an honor to be her husband. We've gone through so much together, but I know she's the only one that can hold me up when I need it. Then, one of the last things I said was some of the last things we said to Jeremiah. As Jeremiah laid there one of the first things that came out of our mouths are, "I'm so sorry!", I can still hear those screams in my head...After that I told him, "thank you...thank you for letting me be your father. It was an honor!" I have never been more sincere by any statement than when I gave my vows to Crystal.
I will never be able to hold my angels in my earthly arms again, but I know when I get to heaven Jesus will have to pry my hands off from around my children. God is the top priority in my life and that's how I've always tried to live my life, but I think he'll understand.
I will always love you my boys and will never forget you!
I don't think the reality of the service really hit Crystal and myself until the night before. You see usually Crystal and I can distract ourselves pretty well throughout the day because if we didn't we would just be crying all day. It's just when night time falls and we are getting ready for bed and we are lying in the silence....All we can think about is what we've lost. How our lives should be nothing like what they are now how we should be begging for sleep and doing whatever we can to get Jeremiah to sleep. But no, we have gone back to a routine of staying up late watching TV and sleeping in. It wasn't suppose to be like this.
The morning of the service we didn't want to get up, but we knew we had too. We pulled into the cemetery around 10:45 am, but had to take a potty break. From the front office we could see a tent and chairs set up with no guests around it. I thought, "well I guess people will be showing up late or we'll have nobody." Which would have been weird since I just saw all of my family the day before from Fort Worth and New Orleans, LA. Once we got back into the car and started heading over to the tent we realized that the first tent we saw wasn't for us. Around the corner we saw a large group of people standing around another tent and cars lining the back of the cemetery. It was then we realized it was for our boys. We could see the tiny urn Crystal ordered for them and guests holding flowers, most of my family was holding sunflowers because I asked them to. You see I promised Crystal some sunflowers when Jeremiah was first born, but needless to say we were a little busy when that happened. What I decided was well I'll get her the flowers when Jeremiah is released and we'll get her a wheelchair to carry Jeremiah out like moms that didn't have to spend time in the NICU. I wish I got her the dang flowers when he was first born now. I didn't want her to see the flowers like this the first time.
The reason behind the sunflowers was because we always called Jeremiah our little sunshine. So, the morning of the service before we left for the cemetery I went and bought a bouquet of sunflowers. As my father in-law put the truck in park Crystal tells me, "I am not ready for this" as was I. But I took her hand and looked at her right in the eyes and said, "we can do this.", and I never let go of her hand until we got to the urn. The only reason I let go of her hand was because I wanted to lay two of the sunflowers down for the boys. The arrangement was beautiful as you can see below. We had beautiful flowers from my mom's work and some flowers from a Respiratory Therapist of Jeremiah. She, Leanna, was actually able to take a picture with Jeremiah the day before he got his wings. Once we got to the arrangement Crystal laid a stuffed baby blue Giraffe which was going to be Jeremiah's NICU graduation gift, but instead we asked it be buried with him. We sat down and the pastor, Chad Hayes, gave a wonderful sermon. Something that was prearranged before the service was that I told him, "the one thing I request to happen is that I want to speak", so after he was done it was my turn.
I stood in front of the crowed of family and friends with one of Jeremiah's toys in my hands. It's called a Wubba Nub I think. It is a giraffe connected to a pacifier. Jeremiah loved that thing cause he would suck on the pacifier and hold tight to the giraffe. For days I was trying to figure out what exactly I was going to say, but never completely decided on something. As I stood there tears started falling out as I looked down on the urn holding the remains of my two boys and the enlarged picture of Jeremiah from his baseball fathers day photo shoot his mom and nurses did for me. I couldn't say very much at the beginning, but my dad came up and put his arm around me which helped calm me down. I spoke of how appreciative I was for seeing everyone and it was a blessing to see all the people my sons have touched. One thing that I did plan to say was, "something I learned through this was that there are people that come into your lives to strengthen you, those that change you, and those that change everything about you those that change your spirit. For me it was these two boys who made me better, who made me stronger." I told some stories of both boys and my God it was like those memories happened yesterday, but also in a different life time. I spoke directly to my wife and saying how such a wonderful mother she was to these boys and it is an honor to be her husband. We've gone through so much together, but I know she's the only one that can hold me up when I need it. Then, one of the last things I said was some of the last things we said to Jeremiah. As Jeremiah laid there one of the first things that came out of our mouths are, "I'm so sorry!", I can still hear those screams in my head...After that I told him, "thank you...thank you for letting me be your father. It was an honor!" I have never been more sincere by any statement than when I gave my vows to Crystal.
I will never be able to hold my angels in my earthly arms again, but I know when I get to heaven Jesus will have to pry my hands off from around my children. God is the top priority in my life and that's how I've always tried to live my life, but I think he'll understand.
I will always love you my boys and will never forget you!
Once the ceremony was over I still had two sunflowers left and Crystal turns to me and says give me one I haven't given the boys a flower. She is the most amazing woman I've ever met...One thing I did not mention was that this cemetery in San Antonio is the same one where Crystal's grandpa is buried in. We visited his site the last time we came to pick out plots. There were flowers in his vase that have burnt from the sun and were pretty old I was told. So, what I wanted to do was after the ceremony I wanted to take at least one sunflower to my grandpa in-laws plot. All of my in-laws and I drove over there and gathered around his plot as we put the flowers and his vase and my grandma in-law adjusted them to her liking. It was beautiful.
Now, when we go see and love on our boys we can see Crystal's grandpa. Just like in heaven my boys are with their great grandpa.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Jeremiah Written on the Wall
Jeremiah 31: 3
"The Lord appeared to him from afar. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."
or has been translated to...
"The Lord appeared to us in the past,[a] saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."
As my wife woke up this morning she showed me this verse. We like to show each other verses from our "daily verse" app that are pretty relevant to our situation. I remember the one that my app gave me on the morning Jeremiah got his wings talked about how God will keep his promise. Needless to say we took it as Jeremiah will be fine and nothing to worry about. Let's be honest Jeremiah has already beat the odds with everything else. He literally was born with his lungs full of poison and still survived. Then, with how many people loved him and cared for him they were not giving up on him. Crystal (my wife) and I had a feeling he wasn't getting better and the doctor even told us maybe 3 hours into trying to save him that, "this could kill him"..."it's really bad." We think that the doctors knew it was out of their hands by that time, but since so many people loved Jeremiah and how much of a fighter he is they did not give up on him for 14 hours. We knew they loved him because it's not common for the staff to be crying just as hard has his parents (don't worry they weren't crying while they were working on him).
Back to the verses. When Crystal showed me the verse I asked her, "do you think that's what Jesus said to Jeremiah when he got to Heaven?" We have been reading a book called Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent that talks about a little boy that almost dies, but survives and talks to his parents about how he sat with Jesus in Heaven. This helps calm me because I have felt Jesus' arms around me and my wife in low times, and I love knowing that Jesus is holding my Little Buddy (my nickname for Jeremiah). I'm sure he was scared and confused on his last day here on earth. Heck, his parents were scared and confused too. Knowing that he has two siblings and three great-grandparents along with Jesus I know he is comforted....I just wish I could be holding him as I type this...
One of the last blessings we got from Jeremiah before he went to Heaven was after we took him off support and my wife was holding her baby. With exhausted yet powerful squinted eyes we see his little eyes move to look at his mommy then his eyes move to look at me for the last time. I will never forget that moment. Jeremiah had the most perfect eyes. It's like God took a drop from my eye color and a bigger drop from Crystals eye color then mixed them together. With that beautiful color he gently placed it onto Jeremiah's eyes. ha....beautiful doesn't even describe the color...
My last thing, the second verse I put in NIV translation was the verse that the Hospital he was born and lived in had posted on the wall by their front door. I may not like how God's plan unfolded for Jeremiah, but my God I thank you for the best 5 months of my life.
Always loved, never forgotten
Saturday, July 13, 2013
1 Week...
It has been one week since my 5 month old, Jeremiah, returned to heaven. It is also one week until we bury him and his twin brother, Elijah, together. Babies are viewed as miracles, gifts, blessings, etc. from God. One question that comes to mind is what is it when babies return to heaven too early? What is it called when a gift is returned to the sender or a miracle returning to God?
When I try to think about it the only thing that comes to mind are not very nice words. So, instead of trying to think through this and find reasoning for their passings I turn to God. God who has been with me through all of my life and been with my wife and myself through thick and thin, heart warming and heart breaking. By doing this I have been able to come to peace with it. With this peace I wonder where in the world it came from because I am only a week away from my sons passing and have been through sooooo much heart break (3 of our foster kids being returned who we prayed to adopt, one miscarriage, and my twins passing 6 months apart). A quote I found on twitter helps calm and explain my peacefulness...
With these upcoming years I will never forget my children...my angel babies. Everywhere I go I will be reminded of them and the feelings will come back up. Like when we went to Fredericksburg, TX and it killed me the entire time because I knew this is where we wanted to bring Jeremiah when we left the hospital.
Now, with this peace God is starting to give me he is also guiding my thoughts. I am starting think of his passing of more reminiscing rather than grieving because trust me we have been grieving. So, what my wife and I try to do when we are feeling really low is to talk about all of the cute things he did. One thing my wife loves is his "pathetic" cry. He also would have "sneezing attacks" where he would sneeze three times, but if he couldn't get a sneeze out due to his breathing cannula he would do his adorable "pathetic" cry. By doing this it allowed us to smile while thinking of him rather than crying while thinking about him (which we've been doing A LOT).
One week may not seem like a lot of time in a calendar, but when you've lost a child, no matter how young, a week may seem like a blur. All I pray is that this next blur will continue to give us peace and more understanding of our angel babies.
“Some people believe in angels. I held one in my arms.”
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