Moving Foward

When trying to move forward after the loss of a child your thoughts of future change. Sometimes moving forward doesn't mean bettering your future life, but trying to get it back to as perfect as it use to be. It's like living a life where you literally could not picture it being any better, then having it taken away. If 10 is living the most perfectly happy earthly life then we were at an 11. Sure we were stuck in a hospital and could only move our boy no more than a few feet from his crib, but we were so happy! But than after losing him it's like going down to a 1. It could of been a 0 if it wasn't for my family, friends, and of course my wife.  How do you start to move forward after having a perfect life? Try for another baby? Adopt? But the same questions and thoughts always come back.  

Can we love them as much as we loved Jeremiah? 

What if we have another miscarriage? 

Will Jeremiah feel like we've finished mourning for him and Elijah? 

All we want is Jeremiah...we're fine not having any other babies as long as we have Jeremiah....our Jeremiah...

Crystal told me about this pamphlet she found where other parents commented on similar questions after losing a child. One I liked talked about how our next baby would be their sibling. A little brother or sister would be amazing. I think that's what hurts a lot too is that Crystal and I feel like we're basically back to, "new young married couple" stage with no kids.  We use to be parents to an earth baby, but not anymore. We're back to the dynamic duo of Paul and Crystal.  Even though we wish we could add so many more to our team...Alexis, Rainbow, Isabella, Jacob, Elijah, and Jeremiah.

I may not have permanent earthly babies, but I was a daddy at least for a bit to six babies.  But so badly I want my Jeremiah or any of the others cuddled up with me and Crystal...

I just pray we can love again...and not have it feel like our hearts are being tore out everytime we hear a baby cry...

But we keep moving forward. Tears falling throughout the day. Some a little...some a lot...but we keep moving forward. I will make y'all proud my angel babies. 

God...don't let us forget them, hold them tight, and be with their future sibling as you prepare her/him for us.  I still don't understand why this happened, but I know you could have healed him. You tell us to be honest with you because you are our father, so honestly I am pissed. I just want my boy. If you have anything to say to me than say it...Abba...