Won't You Never Grow Up

So, I found this song by Taylor Swift called, "Never Grow Up".  It's just one of those songs that hits parents that lost a baby/child hard.  Especially for Crystal and myself.  Today is the first time I've listened to the song in the entirety and I don't even know if Crystal has been able to listen to it completely.  At first we would have to change the channel as soon as it came on the TV or the radio.  Just those words of "never grow up" are those words we didn't say very much while going through these years (2012-2013).  The reason is because we knew our boys had a chance of coming early, so the words we said all the time were, "PLEASE grow up, PLEASE get bigger."  As most parents know when it comes to their baby we want them to get big and healthy, but of course when they're small they are adorable like our babies were.  Even at 18 weeks gestational my Elijah was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen when I looked and held his tiny body, which was the size of my hand.

Then there came my Jeremiah who we had the blessed time to be able to hold him and love him on this earth for those 5 months.  When you're in the NICU the main goal is for your baby to get big, so we can go home.  During those days we definitely said, "PLEASE grow up, PLEASE get bigger."  I remember almost every moment I stood next to his bed and looked at his tiny body.  He looked smaller than most dolls and it was just crazy to see him grow.  From where I could slide my wedding ring up his hand, and all the way to where I HAD to hold that chunk with two hands.  By his last few weeks we gave him the nickname, "roly-poly" because his arms looked like a roly-poly.  Talk about, "PLEASE grow up, PLEASE get bigger" he definitely did.  Which, for most NICU parents that's a green light that we're going home. 

After listening to this Swift song there's something I realized.  When it comes to our boys, Elijah and Jeremiah, they will always, "stay this little", in our memories.  Which I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that.  Most parents dream about growing old and watching their kids grow up with them and become parents of their own, but not if you've lost a child of your own.  For us we will grow old with the memories of our babies being tiny.  Being the size of our hand, growing into the size of a doll, then a "regular baby" or as we called "the big kids". 

Crystal and I have conversations about what we think our boys will look like when we get to Heaven.  For me, I think they'll be toddlers or like elementary aged kids.  The age where you can see Crystal's introvert and my extrovert personalities.  Maybe that's why God decided to take them home early, because he knows this earth would not be ready for that kind of awesomeness. haha.....my boys are awesome.  They may never grow up with us, but....those memories will grow with us and even on mine and Crystal's deathbeds I know we will say to each other, "at least I'm going to see our babies.".....For us, death will be a time of sorry for saying goodbye to everyone here, but my God will we be celebrating to see our handsome boys in Heaven!

During this Christmas season please remember not everyone gets to see their children grow a year older from their last Christmas.  Say an extra-strong prayer for those families that can't ask their children to, "Never Grow Up" anymore.

Always Loved, Never Forgotten