Having a child turns your world upside down. Your priorities change and what you use to view to be important can be overshadowed by a tiny baby shadow.
Recently, I have been struggling to soften my heart to the world and God. When going around the last few days I have had a shadow of darkness laying over me it feels. It wasn't something God was putting onto me it was something I was putting onto myself. You see, after you lose a child, especially how we did, it is very difficult to trust God again. We were given soooo many signs that Jeremiah was our gift from God, that our prayers have been answered, and that this boy will be a baby that will not be taken from us.
Through all of the journey with my boys my priorities and faith have been challenged more than any time in my life. I have always been able to see the good in things and trust that God will take care of us. Even after losing our first baby Rainbow I felt that God will bless us in the future. Then after losing Elijah, and Jeremiah survived, I felt, "ok, finally this is our boy." We hoped that this baby boy was going to be our answer and he was going to complete our earthly family. This morning I watched a small bit from a Joseph Prince sermon talking about Luke 24, when Jesus rose. It talks about how they, "hoped that it was He was going to redeem Israel." What Pastor Prince goes onto say is that we feel this earthly pain due to our unfulfilled expectations. For me, this helps me understand why I have been feeling so...empty I guess is a good word for it. Due to the loss of my sons I have not taken up my responsibility to stay close to God and talk to him. I have been doing a lot of talking at him with confusion and heart ache of course, but not talking with him.
The last few days have forced me to take action because I have not felt like myself for a long time. I have been depressed looking, I have been very angry on the inside (like I've been wanting to hit, yell and scream at a number of things), and I just try to keep busy ignoring the root of this. The root being I have lost trust in God. The thing is, what this sermon reminded me was that the only reason my trust was lost was because of my unfulfilled expectations.
One thing that Crystal and I talk about is why did God have to take Jeremiah this way? It was not a "beautiful" death for our poor boy. We let the doctors do whatever they could to try to save him where we knew God could simply heal our boy. The thing is, I know my son is in Heaven and is with Jesus and the rest of his family up there, and he is perfect in no more pain. The question is what still hurts me now and kills me now...my unfulfilled expectations.
Personally, I lost my close relationship with God through this journey. A few times I would have conversations with him, but most of the time it was just telling him what I wanted or giving thanks for what we have. The reason why I was so quick was because my main priority was Jeremiah and caring for him. I think when I made that observation, God put something on my heart. God put it on my heart that THAT was my problem. So many times parents put their family or especially their children before everything. The thing is that I've learned is that as a parent the most important thing is to keep your relationship with God close more than anything. Do I think God took my son away because I grew further from him? No.
I think God had a plan for Jeremiah. One thing I feel God is putting on my heart is to tell me that Jeremiah was and is going to be used for a reason larger than I can imagen. Jeremiah is a reminder for myself and everyone that knew him that family, especially children, is a gift from God, but the gift should never overshadow the giver.
Do I wish that Jeremiah and Elijah were still here? EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!!! But, what makes me proud is how God used my sons in a way that I know will change lives. God is the reason I can love and will be the reason for my family to grow. I will never forget the lesson my boys taught me.
Y'all are always loved, never forgotten.
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